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'Now With Attenuated Live Thought Viruses'

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Faux Faulkner Writing Contest Winner

The United Airlines Magazine Hemispheres came up with a faux Faulkner contest. For some reason, they are not publishing the winner in the the mag, but online only...

The Administration and the Fury
If William Faulkner were writing on the Bush White House

By Sam Apple

"...He needs his makeup," Dick said.

"I ll do it," Condi said. She put a little brush on my check and it tickled and I laughed.

Rummy walked into the room. "Jesus, what s he laughing about," Rummy said.

"Dont you pay attention to him, Georgie," Dick said. "They re going to be asking you all about Social Security. You just remember what we talked about."

"He cant remember anything," Rummy said.

I started to holler. Dick s face was red and he looked at Rummy. "I told you to hush up already," Dick said. "Now look what you ve gone and done."

"Go and get him Saddam s gun," Condi said. "You know how he likes to hold it."

Dick went to my desk drawer and took out Saddam s gun. He gave it to me, and it was hot in my hands. Rummy pulled the gun away.

"Do you want him carrying a gun into the press conference?" Rummy said. "Cant you think any better than he can?"

I was hollering and Dick was turning red and then white and the room was tilted.

"You give him that gun back, right this minute," Condi said. Rummy gave me Saddam s gun back and I held it my hands. It was hot like a horseshoe.

"You got the gun, now you stop that hollering," Rummy said.

Condi patted me on the back. "It sure is hot in here," she said. She fanned herself and took off her jacket. She smelled like perfume.