Publius Archive

'Now With Attenuated Live Thought Viruses'



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Sectors 'R' or 'M.'

Saturday, July 09, 2005

GOP Fundrasing Needs

From Jesus' General:

Michael Mack
Chairman, Young Republican National Federation

Dear Mr. Mack,

The Republican Party is facing a crisis. Our top leaders, fundraisers, and communicators are being imprisoned. Yesterday, it was our voice in the Times, Judith Miller. In the days ahead, it will be Karl Rove, Tom Delay, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Ney, Jack Abramoff, Conrad Burns, Ted Stevens, Bob Taft, Duke Cunningham, Doc Hastings, Larry Franklin, Scooter Libby, and a host of others. We need to do something to help them out.

That's why I'm asking you to expand your fundraising efforts to include things like cartons of cigarettes and homemade shivs. For a few cartons of Camels, Rush could spend his time writing rather than hiding from some prison gang drug lord's collections enforcer. A good shiv would come in handy for Rep. DeLay when he makes his move to be the guy who serves jello in the prison cafeteria.

By taking care of their basic needs with these prison staples, the stars of our party will be able to concentrate on making the party even stronger. Smokes and shivs are a small price to pay for that kind of service.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot